Tuesday, December 1, 2009

25 Things to Teach Your Children

25 THINGS TO TEACH YOUR CHILDREN or your husband, whoever.

1. Teach your children TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." (And so you don't bother me.)

2. Teach your children RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." (We must not go to church enough because it never comes out.)

3. Teach your children about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" (I wish.)

4. Teach your children LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." (Can I get an Amen?)

5. Teach your children MORE LOGIC. "If you fall and break your neck, that'll be the last time you do that." (Love this one.)

6. Teach your children FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." (Oldie, but goodie)

7. Teach your children IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." (I thought that was the stupidest thing ever when I was a child, now I understand.)

8. Teach your children about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
(It can be done.)

9. Teach your children about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" (Do it!)

10. Teach your children about STAMINA.. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." (We skip that one.)

11. Teach your children about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." (I feel like I work at the Weather Channel.)

12. Teach your children about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" (Do as I say, not as I do.)

13. Teach your children the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." (Can I?)

14. Teach your children about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
(Good luck with that one.)

15. Teach your children about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." (MILLIONS!!!)

16. Teach your children about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." (Oh yeah.)

17. Teach your children about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" (I'm telling your Daddy.)

18. Teach your children MEDICAL SCIENCE.. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." (Seriously. They will.)

19. Teach your children ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
(Make sure their father's not wearing shorts when you say this.)

20. Teach your children HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." (Don't even try.)

21. Teach your children HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." (EVER.)

22. Teach your children GENETICS. "You're just like your father." (Only his faults, of course.)

23. Teach your children about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" (Bo tells people he was, ALL THE TIME!)

24. Teach your children WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." (If you make that long, see #13.)

25. And my favorite: Teach your children about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you". (My Momma taught me that!)


Helene said...

Love this list!!! So funny and so true!! Especially the JUSTICE one!

Anastasia Schembri said...

Hilarious! What a great post!

Foursons said...

I've read this before and it's just as funny the second time around!

Lee said...

That is the BEST list!! Love it!

kimert said...

This list always makes me laugh! Thanks for sharing. :)

Suzy said...

Trust me, our parents drummed Time Travel into us all the time.

Anonymous said...

Too funny! Love #14!!!

katie lake said...

My momma always said "I'll jerk a knot in your head". She would also say "Once there was a girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid." And stare down at me knowingly.

Nancy C said...

Funny. So get the logic. I once told my son, "You need to walk on the stairs properly or that will go bye-bye."


Tracie said...

That is so funny! I love the last one.

Unknown said...

Very cute! I think my own mom said each and every one of those to me when I was little and I'm sure I'll say it to my own kids one day soon.

Margaret said...

I love this! They are so funny and yet so true all at the same time.

KK said...

22 & 13 are my favs!

Sherrie said...

ROTFLMAO You are so darn funny. :)

Carri said...

How funny. I definitely need to borrow this for my blog. I love it. Thanks for sharing.

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